This time last year I was just starting my second second semester back at school. I was taking three classes and feeling like I had purpose, a goal. Summer came and went and at the end of August Dave started his Doctorate program. I felt like it would be too much to try to go to school at the same time and, so, I decided to take the semester off. Now, here we are in January and I, once again, feel like my purpose is but a vapor that I am trying desperately to grasp.
I seem to find myself always searching for something outside my reach. The titles of Mother, Wife, Daughter, Friend, Sister don't seem to foot the bill. I feel a yearning to be better, do better, to feel a sense of purpose. That is why, while sitting in a Bible study last week, the speaker said something that I cannot forget.Purpose: Something set up as an object or end to be attained.
"Be obsessed with the Gospel and you will find your life's calling."
Obsessed? Oh, I know how to do that....I can be obsessed with anything for a fleeting moment; what shade of paint will best compliment my curtains, the bedding that I had to have and no longer want, BLOGGING, reading blogger comments, my favorite TV show, exercise, healthy food, etc, etc, etc....And, when I am really honest, the things I choose to be unhappy with. My husband, my daughter, friends, all those expectations and blaming someone or something other than myself.
While I would like to say the thought of being obsessed with Christ comes easy to me, I cannot. In fact, my past habits show that I want there to be something tangible, something real I can do. I want there to be any other answer to this feeling of vacancy other than not spending time in the Word. Because if that is the answer....
I have a lot of work to do.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4